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Sandman Comes to Work

As I write this post, I am damn exhausted. I’ve had a long day. I haven’t had as much sleep as I would have liked over the past couple of nights. I’ve probably had 8 hours of sleep combined.

Despite my fatigue, I’m usually able to make it through the workday without typing gibberish with my forehead. Luckily for me, today was a company “town hall” meeting. These meetings are generally some of the driest things you could ever sit through. Somewhere between the explanation of fiscal projections and Q2 earnings, everything went dark, and all I could hear in my head was, “No, no, no, no, nooooo! Wake up, they’ll see you!”

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I jolted awake, looked at the time and I quickly realized the struggle I was in for. We were only 10 minutes into an hour-long meeting. Sweet mercy, help me! All I could think was “How am I going to make it through this?! I’m so tired! I just…I can’t focus. My eyes…they’re shutting!” And every time the speaker would talk, I would sink deeper into a hopeless melatonin-filled whirlpool. I felt like I had magnets on my eyelids. Every blink felt like a full-on slumber that I was being jolted awake from. I felt like I was going through a R.E.M. state every time I closed my eyes. I started seeing and thinking about all kinds of weird stuff. I think my mind was trying to make sense of what I was hearing, but it really didn’t work.

Yeah…earnings…profit margins…runaway scooters…talking shoes…

I promise you, if someone told me it was okay to lay down, that would have been some of the best sleep I’ve ever had. Better than baby sleep. Better than that sleep you get when you take that extra dose of Benadryl and pass out on the living room couch. Unfortunately for me, I couldn’t even sneak and nap, because I was sitting in a room of about 200 coworkers sitting lecture style with the president of the company staring us in our faces. Mind you, my manager was sitting two seats to my right. I was pleading to the sky gods that I could at least look alert. At the very least, I was hoping that the head of the person in front of me was covering my face as I continuously nodded and blinked for longer and I was supposed to. Alas, I suffered through the entire meeting looking like a loose-necked baby, hoping that I didn’t look like a complete idiot.

I’m fine…I’m good…I’m awake.

I was sitting right in front of the door. I don’t know why I didn’t just pretend to get up and go to the bathroom and never come back, or hell, just use that time to go back to my desk and take a nap while no one was around. Nope, my mind was on autopilot. There was no steering her, captain. I just had to sit and wait until the nightmare was over.

The part that kills me is that the speakers just knew they were relaying to us some new and exciting information. NO ONE in that room wanted to be there. I don’t think we ever want to be there for those dry-ass meetings. We just tolerate it, because someone has to fill those seats and no one wants to be the one pointed out for not being there. After their long presentations, they asked if there were any questions. I think employee in that room looked around thinking “No one better ask one goddamn question!” with their corporate smile and faint eye twitches.

When the meeting was over, I bolted for the door. Thanks to this meeting, I was no longer as alert as I had been prior, and I had to struggle with the invisible magnet on my desk. Next time, I’m doing like my other coworkers and hiding out in another part of the building until the meeting is over. This time, I’ll bring a pillow.

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