Home » Life » Raccoons are Ferociously Hilarious!

Raccoons are Ferociously Hilarious!

This past week, this particular video capture cracked me the hell up! It has only confirmed that raccoons are the urban bandits of the animal world.

I’ll just take a little bit…ok, go, go GO!

Look at him! Look at how he scampered away like the Grinch stealing Christmas!

This past week has provided us with a clear example of the gangster that is the raccoon via the Kevin Rose incident and other raccoon hijinks. I think it’s time to take a closer look at these crafty critters.

Living in the city, we rarely see animals other than birds and squirrels…or snarling possum. But my favorite city animal is hands-down the raccoon! Tell me they’re not awesome! Go on! Tell me, and I’ll call you a liar and challenge you to a duel of fisticuffs!

Fisticuffs

Raccoons are super smart, and they’ve adapted to not only nature but to dysfunctional urban life. They’re citified wood dwellers. They’re what I like to call “wood-hood”. They’re woodland creatures but they pretty much run the city! You try to approach a raccoon and see if they won’t mess you up while wearing their fancy fur coat, leather gloves, and designer shades!

Stylin'!

Raccoons are fancy!

Raccoons are also vicious! Which is why I think Mr. Rose reacted the way that he did when he saw his dog being shaken down for his lunch money in the middle of the night. I can almost guarantee that if he didn’t toss that raccoon (which, by the way, was both sad and HI-larious the way he spun out in mid-air), that raccoon would likely have continued to attack both the dog and the man’s naked, adrenaline driven ankles. I just don’t understand why he ran after the damn thing after he flung it. Run, dammit!

I’ve encountered raccoons on many occasion. One time, I happened upon a family of 5 raccoons going through some trash cans on the curb. I passed by them, they looked at me, I pretended I didn’t see them, and they commenced to tear through someone’s discarded kitchen contents. If they can collectively tip over a trash barrel, imagine what 5 of them at the same time can do to me. I’m all set! I escaped with my life!

Yeah, that would have been me…on a sidewalk…ending poorly.

I met two ginormous raccoons in broad daylight on my way to work one morning. We locked eyes and all gasped at the same time. They didn’t expect me and I didn’t expect them. We just slowly moved around each other so as to say “Easy, eeeaasyyyy…no sudden moves! Just going about my business. Nothin’ to see here. You didn’t see me, and I didn’t see you. Capiche?” as they proceeded toward the wooded area behind the condos.

I don’t like to scare them. They’re still living, feeling beings. I mean, hell, they were there for something, right? It’s their space as much as it is mine. Besides, I don’t want to make them fearful in an already scary place, and I definitely don’t want to show them any of my own fear, because the last thing I want is to be chased down and beat up by a raccoon and their friends. One little raccoon chitter call, and you’re surrounded by fat, furry, fancy, ferocious bandits…that can run fast…and climb trees.

Where do you think YOU'RE going?!

Where do you think YOU’RE going?! We like that cheeseburger you got there.

And…AND…when they’re thrashing you with their little claws, did you know they’re tasting you through their hands?! They can do that! Seriously, look it up! I’ll wait…

Seee?! Crazy, right?! Can you do that? Hmmm?

See, animals may not have the same technology or speak the same language that we do, but they are smart enough to operate efficiently and sustainably in nature. And they’re using every bit of their survival skills to pretty much run things! For a limited time only, though. Poor things, raccoons have short life spans. 😦 But dammit, they’re adorably ferocious, and that’s good enough for me!

Dear Hood Woods aka Raccoons,
Stay Awesome!

Gosh, they're cute! Look at the wee button eyes!

Gosh, they’re cute! Look at the wee button eyes!

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