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The Proper Way to Sneeze

People are germy. I’m a germaphobe. See where I’m going with this? And to top it all off, people don’t know how to keep their germs to themselves.

Yeah, as lethal as fire...they get it.

Yeah, as lethal as fire…they get it.

Call me anti-social if you want to, but I draw the line at certain communal activities, because of the fact that people don’t know how to keep their germs to themselves, and I don’t like to exchange micro-organizms with people. Therefore, I will certainly skip or avoid the whole situation if it means that I’m avoiding a clear and present germ fest.

Like those times at the office when someone brings in a plate of cookies or muffins, and some jerk takes it upon him- or herself to decide for someone else that they can share their half. So they use their nasty hands to break half and leave the other germ-infested half for someone else to choke on! Unsanitary! >:-(

Knowing for a fact that some people don’t wash their hands when they leave the bathroom and there is always some office bug going around, I’m not going to risk it. I’ll either take nothing or take something from the other end of the plate that has been untouched.

“Oohhh, someone brought muffi-….ewww, nevermind!” See, Prince knows!

What does any of this have to do with the proper way to sneeze, you ask? Well, it’s usually these same people who don’t understand that there is a proper way and improper way to sneeze to prevent the speading of more germs. Well, if you don’t know, here it goes.

The Proper Way to Sneeze
When you feel the tickly tingle, you bury your face either in the comfort of a handkerchief or super-strong kleenex, or you bury that same face in the fold of your elbow so that your spray of plague doesn’t distribute all over the place. Don’t sneeze into your hand, nasty! You still have to touch things with that hand until you get it to a sink willing to absolve you of your germy sins. Also, sneezing into the air away from a person or group of people around you has never helped anyone, because that mist will certainly travel and find that air circulating among the group, travelling right into their oxygen-hungry faces.

It’s in my mouth! IT’S IN MY MOOOUUUUTH!

And if you have to blow your nose, go somewhere else away from other people, ya plague! And definitely don’t do it in the middle of a restaurant. People are eating! When you’re done, go wash your hands! I’m sure your sick has seeped through your flimsy napkin to your open hands which you will now use to create the 2013 version of Outbreak.

Speaking of washing your hands, you should do it…all the time…every time you enter a bathroom, no matter what you’re doing in there, whether you’re using the potty or not. You wouldn’t believe how often I see people use the bathrooms and not wash their hands or half-ass the task.

Nasty ass heffas!

There are germs on your everything and on every surface. So, before you leave that sess pool, wash your paws and scrub your claws (under your dirty, dirty nails)! And remember, washing your hands doesn’t count unless you use SOAP. Copious amounts of it. And hot water. Don’t forget the hot water. Ya see, kids, hot water kills the germs and bacteria. So if all you’ve done is lightly rinse your salty hands with cold or lukewarm water, then all you’ve done is create a moist habitat for micro-organisms to do push-ups and train for combat. And they will go to war, yes they will. In every host body that they invade. And it’ll be your fault for being the nasty jerk who sneezed and/or went potty and proceeded to touch the serving tongs in the cafeteria salad bar. Thanks a lot Typhoid Mary 2.0

Ooohhh, they'll love these at the office!

Ooohhh, they’ll love these at the office!

My last tip: Using your paper towel to open the bathroom door upon exiting also helps to keep the nasties from the bathroom door off your hands when you exit. Yeah, the more you know…

I know germs are inevitable. I know human interaction is (somewhat) inevitable. I’m not a hermit. I just don’t like being sick, especially for stupid reasons that could have been avoided. So to all of those who have not figured out how to commune with others safely consider this a free public service announcement.

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2 thoughts on “The Proper Way to Sneeze

  1. lol…i love it when you catch your coworker leaving the bathroom without watching their hands…that way you can avoid anything they touch and you kind of know how nasty they are.

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